Arranged Marriage College

Kind of defeats the whole point of fun doesn’t it? Well, I am here to tell you that it does not have to be this way. Two years ago when my daughter went through the rites as a high school senior, I realized that the experience is not too different from our time-honored system of arranged marriage. Indeed, in some ways, it is more open and flexible than the traditional arranged marriage – and a lot more fun!

When arranging a marriage, families start by identifying promising alliances. Here too, the hunt begins by narrowing the prospective matching colleges. We looked at the majors the colleges offered and the size of their student body. Is the prospective groom well-educated? Does he come from a good family?

The proximity of the college to a large city was important to my daughter as she craved the bustle and energy of city life after a youth in suburbia. Does the prospective groom live in too small a town? The distance from home was important as well, especially to us, her parents. Her ideal college was one that was not in our state (no surprise there!), while I was searching for one within a few hours driving distance from our home. Will it be easy for us to visit each other after she moves away?

After short listing the colleges, we moved to the next phase. We compared college data, such as SAT scores and class rank of accepted students, not unlike the groom’s height, weight, income and prospects. My daughter visited almost all the colleges to which she would eventually apply – the “get acquainted” meeting between the prospective bride and groom – some with a friend and her family in tow. She rejected some colleges outright for being too rural or too preppy – the prospective groom seems too conservative.

Unlike meetings with families of prospective grooms, visits to college campuses were pleasant day-trips. They provided a welcome chance to spend quality time with a teenager who seemed perpetually busy with friends, homework, a part-time job and extra-curricular activities. We caught up on what was going on with her friends, the books she was reading, and the subjects that she might want to major in. On the drive back we compared notes – the things she liked and turned her off. Kind of like taking stock of the looks, personality and intellect of the prospective groom. A pleasant surprise was discovering that we liked many of the same colleges – and for the same reasons.

She visited a friend who attended one of the colleges she particularly liked. It was her chance to see the college stripped of the marketing hype. She walked around the campus, visited the dining halls, the dorm and the library, and heard lore about the college mascot – that intimate one-on-one coffee or dinner shared by the prospective bride and groom.

The guidance counselor at her school repeatedly stressed to us, the parents, that we should pick colleges that are “right” for our daughters, to look beyond the brand names. Harvard is not for everybody and there should be no shame in admitting that; neither may a large urban campus or a remote rural one suit everyone – and that should be fine as well. You don’t need to “catch” a millionaire to be happy.

After the college applications had been mailed, we were in the end game – awaiting the response from the “other side.” Guarding against the disappointment that would result had she focused on a particular college, although she had ranked them by preference. Even as she tried to keep her spirits up and her mind open, an unmistakable gloom had been cast on this otherwise cheerful teenager. As the expected decision date drew near, she returned from school each day hoping for a fat envelope from “the one.”

With the arranged marriage analogy in mind, I tried to maintain a careful detachment and a sense of humor about the whole business. I reminded myself of the advice from the school guidance counselor and took solace in the understanding that the stakes were not nearly as high for my daughter as they might have been in India. After all, our stress was nothing compared to that of an Indian teenager seeking admission into I.I.T. or medical school.

“Whatever will be, will be” I counseled, as I related to her my analogy with arranged marriages: “We did all the research and you gave it your best shot. You are what you are, and the college that sees your strengths and admits you will be the right one for you.”

“And happily, unlike marriage, there will be other educational choices in the future. It’s not as if you are marrying the college that you attend at the undergraduate level!”

She smiled, her tension momentarily lifted.

Postscript: My daughter was accepted by her first choice college. When I emailed a friend with the news, her delighted response, “Mulala mulagi pasant padli” – the chosen one chose her – the groom had approved!

Within days of the acceptance, she ordered the college sweatshirt. I was amused to see how she delighted in wearing it and drawing the attention of her friends and their parents, in much the same way a bride might with an engagement ring!

As the “bride’s” parents, all we had left to do was worry about paying the college tuition bills – that big, fat wedding!