Do
not date us for the “experience” of being with a “white
woman.”
Too
many South Asian men come to America with misconceptions
about “white women.” The stereotype seems to be that
“white women” have no morals, are only interested in
men with money, don’t want to be married, and have no
religious or family values.
Some South Asian men seem to think that because they
are not at home, they can live by a different set of
rules. “White women” do not have to be taken seriously.
We can be used for sex, comfort and maybe even love.
But when it is time to go home, or when the relationship
becomes too emotionally charged, they brutally end the
relationship or quickly marry someone of their nationality
and religion. The “white woman” is left devastated.
I know, because I was one of them.
I was in a relationship with a Pakistani Muslim for
four years while both of us were undergraduates at an
Ivy League school. He was my first boyfriend, he referred
to me as his girlfriend and told me that he loved me
many, many times, but always added that he couldn’t
marry me. His mother was expecting him to marry a Pakistani
Muslim and if he didn’t, he would break her heart.
As an American Christian woman of an interracial background,
I could not understand. We were compatible at every
level, except for my ethnic and religious background.
To me, his arguments and his family’s expectations seemed
racist. My parents had taught me to look beyond race
and to love someone for his character, spirit and integrity.
Even if they didn’t necessarily approve of my life partner,
my parents would still want me to marry the person I
loved. If I were happy, they would be happy for me,
and accept my partner into the family.
After going back and forth about the relationship, we
broke up. He got engaged to a Muslim woman from Pakistan
two months after our break up. He wrote to me about
the engagement and added, “Perhaps you’ll say to yourself
that I am more in love with — than I was with you. It’s
not true. I can’t lie to myself.”
I was devastated.
Four years with this person whom I loved so much and
knew loved me — only to have him offer up his life commitment
to someone else whom he hardly knew, in such a short
time. But then I realized that he did not have the character,
spirit and integrity my parents had told me to look
for. Otherwise he would have known that I am a woman
before I am white, with feelings, hopes and dreams of
my own. I’m “white” because I was born that way. I didn’t
choose my race as much as he didn’t any more than he
chose his nationality, family or religion. He did not
enjoy being discriminated against for who he was and
what he believed in; he should not have done the same
to me.
As I related my story to other women, I learned that
my situation was not that unusual. A 26 year-old Canadian
woman working on her Ph.D. at the University of Chicago,
dated a Hindu Indian investment banker for five years
before he told her that their chance of getting married
was nil. His parents, he finally told her, are expecting
him to marry an Indian and he did not want to disappoint
them. He still loves her, he added, but he could not
let his family down. She too is now devastated.
This has to stop.
If you are a South Asian man considering coming to my
country, or are already here, you need to realize that
us “white women” are to be treated with the same respect
that you give your mothers, daughters, sisters or wives.
The difference in values and upbringing between the
women of India and the United States does not make one
better than the other.
And if you are afraid of falling in love with a “white
woman,” know that your religion does allow the marriage.
Your culture and your family, however, may disapprove.
But that is something that you need to resolve for yourself.
Don’t drag the “white woman” through your emotional
turmoil while you figure it out. That is the ethically
responsible thing to do.
So when you get off the plane, and see us on the street,
at a party, in class, or at work, and think we are alluring,
do not approach us unless you are willing to discover
our values, our interests, our personality, regardless
of race or religion. Do not approach us unless you are
willing to commit to us if we fall in love. If you cannot
commit, then leave us alone and go back home to get
married. Do not hurt us by loving us then not having
the courage to deal with the consequences of that love.
Do not date us for the “experience” of being with a
“white woman.” We are not an exhibit, carnival ride
or trip to the city.
